The Color I Am

Isn’t it curious how when the love of your life breaks your heart, you lose your color?

I think I was purple when I was in love. And then he left.

Now I’m mixtures of white and black and grey and some days I’m just transparent. Even when I try my hardest, the best I can muster is electric gray or navy with black splotches that haven’t been able to mix thoroughly.

When I do get my color back, I don’t think I’ll be the same shade of purple I once was.

Maybe I’ll be lighter like lilac or darker like wine grape.

But I won’t be the same, my insides that mix my colors have changed and the calibration is off and the amount of reds and blues and whites I had aren’t there anymore and can never be perfectly matched again.

I can’t be lime green or highlighter yellow or bubblegum pink.

Perhaps when I feel better I’ll be yellow.
xox Lex

Grow

You helped me grow,
Like a plant.
Though not so much
Through photosynthesis.
Rather,
You built me with
Manipulation.
Your abuse, my sun,
Would leave my veins dry,
And withered from the
Constant draining.
But then,
Your love, my water,
Gave me a little taste of what it felt like
To be nourished,
To be taken care of,
To know that
You wanted me to flourish.

But the water
Never lasted
As long as
The sun.
xox Lex

Footsteps

I spend a lot of my time wishing I could forget the way your footsteps sound. I don’t want to remember how your right foot turns in slightly more than your left. I wish I couldn’t remember the amount of steps you took as you walked into my life. I want to forget how it took two of my own steps to keep in sync with one of yours. I don’t want to ever feel again how it felt to slide my legs in between yours as we slept in bed at night.
I wish your legs weren’t the legs that I wanted to stand beside for the rest of my life.

Mainly I just wish I could forget exactly what you looked like as I watched you walk away from me
xox Lex