The Color I Am

Isn’t it curious how when the love of your life breaks your heart, you lose your color?

I think I was purple when I was in love. And then he left.

Now I’m mixtures of white and black and grey and some days I’m just transparent. Even when I try my hardest, the best I can muster is electric gray or navy with black splotches that haven’t been able to mix thoroughly.

When I do get my color back, I don’t think I’ll be the same shade of purple I once was.

Maybe I’ll be lighter like lilac or darker like wine grape.

But I won’t be the same, my insides that mix my colors have changed and the calibration is off and the amount of reds and blues and whites I had aren’t there anymore and can never be perfectly matched again.

I can’t be lime green or highlighter yellow or bubblegum pink.

Perhaps when I feel better I’ll be yellow.
xox Lex

Grow

You helped me grow,
Like a plant.
Though not so much
Through photosynthesis.
Rather,
You built me with
Manipulation.
Your abuse, my sun,
Would leave my veins dry,
And withered from the
Constant draining.
But then,
Your love, my water,
Gave me a little taste of what it felt like
To be nourished,
To be taken care of,
To know that
You wanted me to flourish.

But the water
Never lasted
As long as
The sun.
xox Lex

Sizes

I wonder if you still wear larges in shirts
I don’t wear the same size I did when I was with you
I’m much smaller
Maybe you’d actually like me now
There’s less of me to hate.
xox Lex

Footsteps

I spend a lot of my time wishing I could forget the way your footsteps sound. I don’t want to remember how your right foot turns in slightly more than your left. I wish I couldn’t remember the amount of steps you took as you walked into my life. I want to forget how it took two of my own steps to keep in sync with one of yours. I don’t want to ever feel again how it felt to slide my legs in between yours as we slept in bed at night.
I wish your legs weren’t the legs that I wanted to stand beside for the rest of my life.

Mainly I just wish I could forget exactly what you looked like as I watched you walk away from me
xox Lex

Orbit

The love I had for you
Left my lungs empty
Made me forget the words I wanted to say
Numbed my hands, lips, and feet
Changed my orbit
And I knew no one would ever make my heart race
Or my universe shift
Quite like you could.

The love we shared
I will never forget
Mainly because it is gone forever now
And time has shown me
Our orbits were never on the same path.

One night you broke my heart
Stars illuminated the sky
The moon was an opaque orange
Planets were following their orbit like they had
Every other day before that one
The universe was going along with the scheme of things
But I was stuck in your orbit
And my whole universe had been shattered.

Now I see why all stars eventually burn out
They lose what gives them fervor
They lose what keeps them in their orbit
And then they cease to exist.

You kept me centered
You made sure my orbit was always aligned correctly
But one day you didn’t care anymore
You missed the small little details
Now you’re gone
And I have to find my own rotation
One that doesn’t involve the pull of your gravity.

After you broke my heart
And sent me spiraling out of my orbit
I woke up one morning
And I didn’t love you anymore.

Then one day you woke up and felt the same way.

Thank God we were never meant to be in the same galaxy.
xox Lex

He Metaphorically Peed on my Life so I Literally Peed in his Bushes

You always told me that I was a tramp
You never rubbed my back when I had cramps

The sound of my singing in the car made you want to cry
And when you broke up with me you couldn’t even look me in my eyes

For three years, you never were very loyal
And yet you always thought you should still be treated like a royal

But let me tell you one thing, you don’t get a crown
I’ll kick your high horse right in the balls; it’s time for you to come down

You weren’t the best thing that’s ever happened to me, not even close
Thinking you were a good person, that’s what I regret the most

You would put me down when I was just trying to impress you
When I would do my hair and makeup, you’d look at me and laugh and say “ew”

You made me question whether I’d ever be enough
I bet that made you feel so good, I bet that made you feel so tough

Rather than telling me the important things, you didn’t even make a sound
What’s wrong, afraid a short little girl like me could take you down?

Everyone always asked me why I was with you, because you’re so mean
I guess I just didn’t see it, my love for you made your true sight unseen

When you made mistakes, it was never your fault
You were just “bored” with me, or I was “too controlling” and kept you in a vault

And when you ended it for the very last time you swore
You ended it because I am materialistic and I am an attention whore

Never did you understand why I had no trust
I never trusted you because you could never control your lust

Looking back on these past three years, I’ve realized you’re a pig
You wanted what you wanted and you did terrible things because it made you feel big

As much as I hate you, I am glad of one thing
I’ll never date another “you” again; I will never be with someone who makes my heart sting

I know I wasn’t perfect; you made sure I never forgot
But don’t you think you were ever perfect either, remember all those times you got caught

Save me the drama, I’m over our whole relationship now
Go on and have your fun with your girls, but first you better pluck your goddamn unibrow

I truly hope one day that you wake up and see
I wasn’t as awful as you made me out to be

Hopefully all of this breakup crap was worth your time
Now that I’m not with you, I certainly know it was worth mine

The only good thing I got from you, was you gave me my cat
And he always hated you; I think I should’ve learned something from that

After all this time, it is now that I finally see
It wasn’t me that was bad for you; it was you that was bad for me

You metaphorically peed on my life so I literally peed in your bushes
And I hope those bushes die, you dickhead.
xox Lex